I have always felt sorry for myself. It was bad that my default response to any form of disappointment was self pity. Whenever I decide to overcome it, the devil will immediately fill my mind with wrong thoughts.
The devil can only sow wrong thoughts in your mind, but he cannot control what you believe. This was not my reality at the moment because I let him control what I believe.
My mum left my dad when I was 8 months old and by the age of 5, I was living with my dad and two step mothers. I lived in my fathers’ house for 18 years and was able to see my mum a couple of times.
Growing up I have always had the impression of my mum as the one who abandoned me and left me with my step mothers’. So I didn’t try to know much about her and I also didn’t like her either. What is there to know? She left her baby and that was my truth growing up.
Sometimes Its’ hard to accept the fact that the decisions our loved ones made in the past didn’t make them a bad person, Maybe that was the best they could do at that point in time.
I struggled with this…..
While staying with my dad, I was raped severally by my step mothers’ younger brother. It was a horrible experience for me. I wished a lot of things at those moments;
I wished I had a whole family.
I wished my mum didn’t abandon me.
I wished I was just an innocent little girl.
I wished that I shouldn’t have been born in the first place.
Somehow, I deeply wished someone could save me from all this misery.
I didn’t know that all this time from the first tear cried to every single moment between that God was always there.
Anytime I reported being raped by my mothers’ younger brother to my dad, I was stripped naked and pepper was applied all over my body. According to my dad, I was the one that seduced the guy. Like how can a 14year old girl seduce a 32year old man? I really did not understand it. I was forced to start hawking while my other siblings stayed back at home. The song below “All this time by Britt Nicole” summed this particular season of my life.
I remember the moment, I remember the pain
I was only a girl, but I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know you saw me
Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone
I was doing my best trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That’s when I met you
All this time, from the first tear cried
‘Till today’s sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You have been walking with me all this time
Ever since that day, it’s been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave me
I know you are for me
And You are restoring
Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You are the God who sees, the God who rescued me
THIS IS MY STORY!
I learnt the wrong things on the street. I learnt how to fight, insult people, steal and take drugs.
In life, fight is inevitable! It all depends on who you go to the fight with.
One day, I met someone who preached the gospel of Christ to me and I gave my life to Christ. It was the beginning of a life transforming experience for me. However, I still blame myself for all that’s happened to me because I thought that being a child of God meant that the rape will end and that I would be able to forgive my mum and dad. When I was tired of struggling, I handed it over to God. I started reading his word, praying and declaring his ultimate love over my life. Today, my mum is my best friend and my children are her best friends too. The restoration was not automatic, trust me.
Experiencing the person of Jesus is a life transforming one that should not be traded with anything in this world.
My healing process took a while but then everything changed immediately I digested the scripture (Ephesians 6:2), hook, line and sinker. It says, “Honor your father and mother, this is the first commandment with a promise”.
It was as though I had a revelational knowledge of this passage of the scripture. So I took some practical steps which include;
- I started to focus on the things that were great about my parents. I focused on their good attributes and this has changed the perspective of our relationship.
- I started helping other people who had broken relationships with their parents. I talked with them, walked them through it and as I did this, I found my own healing.
- I started to do things a child would do for a parent they love. For instance, I give them money, visit and celebrate them. I also started praying for them. Prayer definitely changed my relationship with my parents.
I’m a living testimony that God restores and my prayer today is that God will restore any fractured relationship with any of your loved ones.
I hear these people asking me
How do I know what I believe
Well, I’m not the same me, and that’s all the proof I need
I felt love, I felt Your grace
You stole my heart that day!
Sending you love and light.