Some years back, I was that girl who was in a relationship she shouldn’t be in. Interestingly I wasn’t an unbeliever. I was that tongue speaking ‘sister’ believer yet so many things were not right.
I knew the relationship wasn’t right by Christian standards but I held onto the relationship due to many wrong reasons which I will share here.
In the midst of this experience, I came to understand that real spiritual growth isn’t just by charismatic actions but by KNOWING what God wants and actually DOING THEM. In other words, obedience makes a lot of difference in ones walk with God. So girl join me with your shades alongside a handkerchief lets get into the story…Lol
I met this dude (lets call him Mr A) on facebook which started from a friend request to exchanging a couple of messages. To be honest, he ticked all the initial ‘cool guy’ boxes. Girl was I charmed? I sure was…hahahahaha
When I asked him about his relationship with God, he replied in a ‘popular cool way’ that he loves and believes in God. I was like alright then, let see how it goes (like everyone loves God right? Lets not sweat it).
He mentioned he attended full gospel so I shrugged and said at least he attends fellowship.
There was the early sweet moments of calls, texts messages and all of that. As a typical Nigerian girl I had already pictured my wedding dress . I know that was fast, hahahaha.
The relationship kicked off and I started seeing visible signs that this guy wasn’t crazy about God as much as would be expected. No spiritual vibes, just flat, zero keenness when you share the word with him, some days he won’t pray and he argued ‘conveniently’ that Christianity is in the heart. Lol!
I saw this red flag. Instead of taking it seriously, I offered to pray him into being better spiritually….like I turned to a ‘Romantic evangelist’. I made it a constant habit of asking him whether he has prayed, forwarded daily devotionals, preached whenever I got the chance and still kept praying for him to be better.
On course the relationship, I saw another red flag. I was making internship applications then and he insisted I apply to work in the city where he stays. I replied that I wouldn’t do that since we were not married and shouldn’t live together. He felt offended by my response. He also went on and on about how I just might be like other ladies. (emotional blackmail…Lol).
He went on saying that he had planned performing the introduction rights by December and introduction should just be enough, stating that wedding was just a formality. (its okay girl, I know you screamed “wow’ with me..like who doesn’t value weddings..hahahaha)
All of these were said in a very imposing way like it wasn’t up for negotiation. More like ‘Do as I say’.
In all of this, I noticed that he was arrogant and controlling but because I was emotionally needy, I made excuses for him.
I agreed for peace sake to apply for internship in his city but none of the internship placements worked. I was nursing the disappointments deeply then, not knowing God was ordering my path ‘away’ from him.
Mr A has his good sides in addition to his TDH looks, he was very hardworking and generous. He was also protective and supportive.
So many times I will choose to focus on these qualities while ignoring the red flags that were rather serious. He was manipulative, insecure and had anger issues. He was also extremely malicious that even when you tried to make peace, he sort of derived a weird satisfaction in ignoring you. He was rude and verbally abusive. He always used the words ‘foolish’ and ‘stupid’ freely on me.
Crying was like a norm for me, sometimes all through the night. I started having low self esteem. Many times I would love to quit but he will beg profusely and promise to be better. The only time he said sorry was whenever I threaten to quit.
Strangely, I saw these visible signs yet I was praying one funny prayer, ‘Lord if it is your will make this relationship work and if it’s not, scatter it’…prayer without knowledge.
I mean it was obvious that this couldn’t be God’s will for my life. A relationship that didn’t glorify him in any standard. It was me who needed to make the decision and leave, not praying that He scatters it.
One day while at his office, God dropped a scripture in my heart.(2 Timothy 3:6-9) “ 6They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. 9 But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.”
I had goose bumps immediately and knew this was God telling me to end the relationship. For every time I prayed about it, I had unrest within my spirit but I kept avoiding it.
I shared my concerns with a spiritual friend then who advised I end the relationship but I dismissed his counsel thinking that he was being jealous of my relationship.
One popular evangelist at that time on facebook wrote a story using Miss A and Mr B. The description she used in that story was MY EXACT STORY in real life with every flipping detail. I stared at my phone that day in awe. Like does this woman know me? How was she able to tell my story so accurately? And she shared it, saying she was instructed to do so because it’s a word for someone.
You would think I obeyed after that? Nah sis..Lol
Why you may wonder, asides the whole love emotions and me convincing myself that he wasn’t bad after all;
- I was scared. Fear with little faith! Will I meet someone else? What if I remain single? (lies from the devil) Another popular lie I believed was, ‘the devil you know its better than the angel you don’t know.’ Lies Lies Lies!!! I would say instead that the devil you know is simply a devil, leave him and pray for your angel to come. How about that?
- Slavery to peoples’ opinion. People always gushed about how we would make a cute couple. Some even said they admired us. So I started dreading what people will say if we eventually break up.
- His emotional and verbal abuse had murdered my self esteem. I had let him define my identity. So that inferior feeling made me stay to at least ‘manage’ him.
- Seeing that marriage was being rated highly, I was desperate to get married to him. I was okay managing him so long as I get to enjoy that status of “Mrs”
He proposed to me and I said yes. Congratulations was flying everywhere including people who were tapping into my testimony. Truth is, I wasn’t happy.
Wedding plans kicked off and as the wedding drew close, fear enveloped me. ‘Are you sure you want to marry this guy?’ I ask myself. With all the unrest in my heart, I will comfort myself with images of me on my outfit, how I will be a beautiful bride and how I will pray for him to change when we marry. Lol.
As the days drew close, I knew without doubt that forever with him was scary.
Two weeks to the wedding date, I gathered courage and called the wedding off. I told my homies that wedding was cancelled.
My dad kept asking me why I didn’t speak up since. His exact words were, “if he treats you like this now, it wouldn’t have gotten better in marriage”.
With the news of the cancelled wedding, came plenty advice and questions . some even said that it could be a test and I should not allow the devil scatter our testimony. It was a tough season for me but God held my hand through it all.
He did even more. It was like a rebirth;
- I found healing from all the emotional pain.
- I got a fresh revelation of who Christ was and who I was in Him.
- I found ME and contentment in Him.
- I joined a ministry then school of destiny. it was a huge blessing!!! One needs a good support system of other believers to scale through painful seasons.
- I stopped obsessing over marriage.
- I read a lot of books. Amongst them were, “Lady in waiting” , ” The lady, her lover and her lord”, “Purpose driven life”, “No more sheets”, “I kissed dating goodbye”.
God’s promise was I would get married but I had not become qualified for that promise. I was desperate, impatient and insecure. These were not the qualities I should have if God was to work with me. Again, I was made to raise godly seeds, how will I have achieved that if I had married a man who cared less about God and made me feel less of myself.
God used that season to teach me;
- How to walk in the truth even if it meant walking alone.
- How to shun popular opinion and hear only his opinion.
- How to live in His love first before seeking the love of a man.
In addition to all he taught me, he added color to my life. He sent me my own divinely crafted man with an extra sprinkle of awesomeness with a blissful union of two kids.
Sometimes I look at my husband and wonder why I claimed I loved God but couldn’t just trust Him to give me my best and I kept wondering why I wasted my tears for someone who didn’t value me.
My story is basically to encourage you to have a relationship with Christ because it’s the door that unlocks everything. I want to also let you know that your identity is in Christ and girl, do not lower your standards for anyone. You deserve God’s Best!
Sending love and light your way.